god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
