I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
