He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
