I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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