I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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