I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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