Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
