Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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