I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
