Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
