Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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