Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
