My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
