Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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