all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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