the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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