Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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