You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
we should paint friendship bongs
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