Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
