It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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