Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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