Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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