fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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