I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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