She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
