4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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