I want to have your abortion
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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