Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
