life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
