im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
