is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
