I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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