Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
