I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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