I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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