awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
