life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
