Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
