I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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