GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
