i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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