It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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