I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
