I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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