Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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