mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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