he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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