just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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