Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
