You don't have asthma, your pregnant
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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