turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
