I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
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Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Boobs speak an international language.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you never un-have a 4some