You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
