eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
