You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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