speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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