This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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