I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
