cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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