life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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